1. Doctor My Eyes by Jackson Browne. Admittedly no the hardest rocker, it’s still hard not to like Jackson Browne. Doctor My Eyes was the biggest hit from his self titled debut album, and arguably his biggest hit until he struck gold with Running on Empty five years later.

1. Bad Case of Loving You (Doctor, Doctor) by Robert Palmer. Palmer’s biggest hit, this 1979 hit was part of his edgiest album. Normally fusing jazz and reggae with rock n’ roll, Palmer’s ’79 release Secrets was his only album to focus strictly on rock.

1. Somebody Get a Doctor by Van Halen. Van Halen II is a classic album by anybody’s standards and Somebody Get a Doctor was one of the better songs on it. Although overshadowed a bit by hits like Beautiful Girls and Dance the Night Away, it holds its own as a classic in its own right.

1. Doctor Robert by the Beatles. OK, actually, in our opinion, this was not one of the Beatles’ better tunes, and it especially gets lost on the Revolver album, surrounded by such greats as Eleanor Rigby, Yellow Submarine, and She Said, She Said. Still, it’s the Beatles, so it can’t be left out.

1. Doctor, Doctor. There are actually two songs with this title. Let us assure you, we’re not putting the one by the Thompson Twins on any list of top rock songs. Robert Palmer is ac close to pop as we’re willing to go. Doctor Doctor by Iron Maiden, though, is one badass rock song by the band who, in their day, claimed fame by putting on the loudest concert in history,

1. Calling Doctor Love by KISS. This is arguably one of the most recognizable KISS songs, and one of their few actual chart successes (it reached #16 on the American Top 40). The song is featured on three KISS releases (Rock n’ Roll Over, Alive II, and KISS Symphony: Alive IV). It has also been covered numerous times, and used in Dr. Pepper commercials.

1. Dr. Feelgood by Motley Crue. No, this doctor doesn’t accept medical insurance, and you can’t pick up his prescriptions at the pharmacy. In case the song was too fast for you to catch the lyrics,  the Crue were singing about a drug dealer. Oh well, it was the ‘80s.

Photo via clevercupcakes

According to the website, one in twenty five ER patients is injured by a medical mistake. We’re not exactly geniuses, but you know, one is twenty five is actually pretty damned good odds. With an average payout for medical malpractice suits against hospitals of 6 million, a one in twenty five shot isn’t bad.

Consider the other get rich quick alternative. A lottery ticket only gives you about a 1 in 3,819,816 chance to win, assuming you need to pick 5 numbers between 1 and 56, like you do in many states. Compared to 1 in 25, those are pretty steep odds. Granted, you have to give a third of your take to a bunch of ambulance chasers, but what the hell, 4 million smackers still goes a long, long way.

For your convenience, most ambulance chaser websites list dozens of different ways you might possibly have been screwed over by the hospital. Here’s a partial list:

• The hospital staff might misdiagnose you. As simple as the human body is, there’s no excuse for a doctor to ever get it wrong. And if they do, then damn it, they should give you money for it.

• Brain and nerve damage. If you still think you have a legitimate chance of winning the lottery after reading the figures above AND you have ever been in a hospital, chances are you have some brain damage going on, and it’s probably the hospital’s fault. Contact a lawyer immediately.

• Wrongful death. We’re hoping we don’t pull this one while we’re going for the 6 million dollar jackpot. It would really suck being too dead to spend any of it.

If you’re not sure if you’ve been screwed over by the hospital, call the number on the website and they’ll even send a lawyer over, free of charge to convince you that you have been. If you like, they’ll even come visit you while you’re still in the hospital. Maybe they can give you some tips on how to jimmy the odds in your favor even more.

Of course, a trip to the emergency room is a little more expensive than a lottery ticket, but for one in twenty five odds, you can’t go wrong. This is especially true if you don’t have medical insurance because the ER can’t turn you away. So, you can go 25 times in 25 days if you can come up with a semi-plausible reason. You’ll be on your way to six million big ones (less the 2 million the lawyers get to keep) in less than a month. And when it comes down to it, you just won’t find odds better than that.

Photo via banspy

My favorite potential side effect gives me a chuckle every time, “If you experience an erection lasting more than four hours, see a doctor immediately.”

We don’t know about you, but our immediate reaction to that kind of craziness is this: of all the people on God’s green earth that we could choose to show a four hour erection to, why would we pick our doctor? Now, maybe you have one of those sexy looking doctors like the ones on Grey’s Anatomy, but ours looks more like Doogie Howser. We tried to get a sexy doctor once, but our medical insurance wouldn’t cover it.

Don’t get us wrong, we like our doctor. And we’re usually glad he’s a guy. Frankly, we don’t want the pretty ones seeing us in some of the positions he has to put us in. It isn’t attractive. But if we’ve been blessed with a four hour erection, we have a whole lot of other people we’d rather show it to than Doogie.

Now, on a serious note, we don’t want any serious damage going on down there any more than you do. So, we’ve devised a plan. If we have to show it to Doogie after four hours, fine. Much as it pains us, and as much as we don’t really want to go over the whys and wherefores with him, it’s better than having to do without it for the rest of our lives.

So, we’re going to start showing it before the four hour point. The way we figure it, by the time an hour and a half has passed, it ought to be pretty obvious that something supernatural is going on. So, that leaves us two and a half hours to make our rounds before we have to go see Doogie. And who knows how much damage we can do in two and a half hours?

Photo via Tiagø Ribeiro

• Lucy Bennet. Played by nubile Kerry Biché, who has become the show’s leading character. If you like brunettes (and we do), she’s worth looking at. Like most of the others on the list, she even manages to make surgical scrubs seem sexy.

• Meredith Grey, played by Ellen Pompeo. She’s the title character of Grey’s Anatomy, of course, and a total babe. Of course, to get to her, you’d have to do in the McDreamy twerp, but that’s bonus as far as most of us are concerned.

• Erica Hahn, played by Brooke Smith on Grey’s Anatomy. Admittedly, she’s a bit overly professional and kind of a bitch, but if you can get past that, she’s also kinda hot, if you like blondes. And, let’s face it, who doesn’t like blondes?

• Susan Lewis, played by Sherry Stringfield. She was in the early seasons of ER as an intern, then popped back up a few years later as an honest to goodness doctor. Admittedly, the blonde was hotter back in ’96 when she was an eager young intern, but the years didn’t do any serious harm. She was still one of the hottest blonde doctors on TV.

• Christina Yang, played by Sandra Oh on Grey’s Anatomy. OK, we expect to catch some flack for this pick, but we are totally into Asians, and she was the best we could find, so she makes the list. And really, she is a good looking lady. Frankly, we’d be willing to pay extra for medical insurance to have her work on us.

So, who’s your favorite? We know you have one. After all, when the wife or girlfriend makes you watch these silly, sappy medical dramas, they’re the only things that make the show worth watching.

Photo via Kwintin

Medical insurance has been around since the 1800s, but it didn’t really catch on en masse until the Second World War. During that time, there was a fairly significant labor shortage in the United States. This was coupled with a number of government regulations that capped or froze wages, so that employers couldn’t offer more money as an incentive to work for them. To make up for this, employers started offering generous fringe benefit packages. Of course, these eventually became part of the national fabric, something we all expect from our employers.

Initially, medical insurance only covered hospital visits and emergencies, and patients were still expected to pay for routine doctor’s visits. As the years passed and labor organizations bargained for better benefits, insurance has come to cover more and more. Here are a few things most insurance companies will cover that our grandparents in the ‘50s sure as hell didn’t expect:

• Weight loss surgery. Of course, back then, being overweight didn’t carry quite as much of a stigma, and since people tended to be less sedentary, they didn’t tend to get as heavy too often anyway. But if someone was heavy, they had a fairly simple solution. Eat less. Even if weight loss surgery had been around, they wouldn’t have expected their small premiums to entitle them to an optional surgery costing thousands of dollars.

• Birth control. They were too busy making the Baby Boom generation to think about it, and for many of them it was against their religion. Of course, birth control wasn’t widely available at the time anyway, and in most places, it was against the law to provide it to unmarried people.

• Viagra. Or Cialis. Or any of the others that have come along behind them. Originally designed to treat hypertension and angina, this family of drugs was quickly found to have certain other benefits. I doubt Grandpa would have thought that someday his medical insurance might pay for this. Judging by how many kids their generation produced, I doubt he’d have cared. I wonder what he’ll think if they start covering Extenz?

Photo via srqpix

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1. The Woman Who has 200 Orgasms every day
2. The Man Who Can’t Get Fat
3. The Man Who Doesn’t Feel Cold
4. The Boy Who Couldn’t Sleep: stayed awake 24 hours a day for years
5. The Girl Who is Allergic to Water
6. The Woman Who Can’t Forget
7. The Girl Who Eats Only Tic Tacs
8. The Musician Who Can’t Stop Hiccupping
9. The Girl That Collapses Every Time She Laughs
10. The Woman Who is Allergic to Modern Technology

All right, so we’ll forget for a minute whether or not some of these stories are just plain ludicrous. We’ll accept the idea that each is a legitimate condition, most of which may not really be covered by most medical insurance plans.

Given that, the question is this: which of these ailments would you most like to have?

Well, let’s start with the obvious: orgasm girl. While it sounds good at first blush, do you really want to be so sexually charged that sliding out of your office chair at work gets you excited? The story says that the girl can’t seem to keep a boyfriend, either – because no man can keep her satisfied.

We’ll write off the obvious no-gos, such as water allergy, hiccups and collapsing when you laugh. (Although, talk about a good party trick, that last one might be worth considering.)

Skinny guy might be a good option. Of course, the downside is that, because of the way his body processes food, he pretty much needs to gorge himself just to keep a basic healthy weight. I guess there are worse problems.

Tic Tac girl – that’s just crazy stuff right there. We’ll stay away from that one, too.

As far as the allergy to technology, I think you could really turn that “disability” into a profit center. Just think how much corporations or even the CIA would pay for you to walk into a room and wait for you to sneeze in order to see if the room is bugged? If she’d been around 40 years ago, Watergate might never have happened.

Photo via TheDeliciousLife